The NFL kickoff is just around the corner and as August winds down the fantasy football draft frequency winds up. Today, a league I have been running with my buddies from high school commenced. I do believe this is my year (same as every draft), but only time will truly tell. To provide a summary of our draft, I copied all of our picks into GPT-4 and asked it to provide a summary of each team written in the tone of comedian Bill Burr. Enjoy!
Hey, hey, hey! Bill Burr here, and you’re not gonna believe this—I’m diving into the world of Fantasy Football. Yeah, that’s right. Don’t adjust your screens, folks. Now, let’s take a look at this draft and figure out who’s a genius and who’s just throwing darts blindfolded.
Fantasy Floogs
Ah, the Fantasy Floogs! What are ya doin’? Ekeler, Allen, Waller, Thomas? This team’s like a 1980s mixtape—some hits, a few scratches, and a lot of “what the hell were they thinking?” Darren Waller’s the best thing outta Vegas since the buffet at the Bellagio, but can we talk about the Chiefs D/ST? You’d have better luck playing defense with a sieve.
Garcia y Vega Cigariello
Alright, Garcia y Vega, I see you! You’re that guy at the poker table with sunglasses, huh? Trying to be all mysterious. You got Tyreek Hill and Stefon Diggs, which is like having a Ferrari and a Lambo in your garage, but Kamara? You’re rollin’ the dice on him? That’s like buying an old ’80s Porsche—looks great but breaks down when you need it the most.
Sab 75
Sab 75, are you kidding me? Patrick Mahomes in the 2nd round? That’s like going to a steakhouse and ordering the salad. You got Nick Chubb and Derrick Henry, though. What is this, a monster truck rally? And what’s the deal with Taysom Hill? You gonna use him as a TE, QB, or a Swiss Army knife? Pick a lane!
Howie Dern (Murph)
Oh, Howie, Howie, Howie! You’re like the guy who goes to Vegas and puts it all on red. You’re all-in on the young bucks, huh? Chase, Lamb, Harris. Either you’re a prophet, or you’re gonna be looking like that “This is Fine” meme by Week 4. Deshaun Watson? Really? You better have a lawyer on speed dial.
All Of A Sudden
Look at you, “All Of A Sudden,” thinking you’re slick with all these wide receivers. You’re like the guy who has ten guitars but can’t play a single chord. Brown, Smith, Samuel; it’s a who’s-who of “Who?”
To Be Determined
Cooper Kupp and Davante Adams, that’s the safest pair of hands since my mechanic who only overcharges me a little. But Dameon Pierce and Rachaad White at RB? Might as well get your points from a crackerjack box.
Large Oreo McFlurry
Justin Jefferson and Mark Andrews, good picks, but Chris Olave and Tee Higgins? That’s like mixin’ top-shelf whiskey with store-brand cola. And Dak in the 12th? What, is this Opposite Day?
miti spunks
Saquon and Stefon Diggs. Okay, you’re the guy who knows his classics but then picks up Amari Cooper. It’s like having a vinyl collection and then throwin’ in some Nickelback.
Comeback Season
Bijan Robinson and Tony Pollard, someone likes the young guns! Brandon Aiyuk’s got potential, but Odell? Dude’s been more drama than a reality TV show.
Team Be Great
McCaffrey and A.J. Brown? Man, you’re like the guy who buys two lottery tickets and wins on both. But Ezekiel Elliott in the 12th? Either you’re a genius, or you’ve got photos of him you’re blackmailin’ him with.
So there you have it, folks! Bill Burr’s breakdown of your fantasy draft, and remember, if your team sinks faster than the Titanic, don’t say I didn’t warn ya!
mike murphy 